Reading a suicide note.

Reading a suicide note

A doctor friend handed over a girl`s suicide note for my insight. She did not opine anything except informing that her life was saved by their team. So the note lost validity. The page was recovered by the staff nurse on duty while changing her clothing. The staff nurse passed it to the treating physicians as it may be a legal document. As the girl recovered fast its validity got lost. So it is no more a suicide note, it is a bridge to travel inside the fragile mind of a youth.

It is written in Odia, I intentionally translate it with change of names.

Papa!
 I may beg you not to be angry with me. I beg uncle, aunt, Muna, Lilly dei, Silli dei, bhaina , Ilidei and all may not be angry with me. I have not done anything wrong that you take me wrongly. On my death anyone needs not be sorry, rather be happy that I was a load on you all, creating a lot of tension for all.

The outsiders say that I am a very bad girl. I did a search to find out the badness in me, failed, found nothing wrong in me. How without doing anything wrong I am alleged to be a bad girl? They allege that my body is torn and re stitched, where? You my family know this is false. I feel very hurt to learn this.

(So far…. The girl did not address her mother probably she is dead. It is a definite joint family of father, his brother`s family. All addressed siblings are girls except Muna. All are older to her except Muna. Only one Bhaina.  So the joint family has four daughters and only one son who is the youngest. Only one daughter is married so only one vaina is available. That couple again must be important in the family for which she did not ignore them in the note. The girl has two more unmarried elder daughters and she herself is grown up, means she is in a family with three unmarried grown up daughters. So she definitely is a teen aged girl being the youngest. Outsiders doing wrong and sever allegation on her, she feels even the family is not supporting her and feels rejected. She thinks she is a load and disturbance to the family. Her specific remark that she was torn and re stitched proves her innocence. Means she does not know the thing she is suggesting. She does not know it (may be MTP) needs no opening on abdomen and hence question of stitching does not arise. Probably the girl felt very hurt for this unjust allegation that she aborted. My point here is the girl is truthful even does not know how the MTP is done. Yes the sex education in our society is so less that it is possible a grown up girl does not know it.)

Please do not think my suicide is a confession of any bad act I really did. I am unable to see the tension in our family. Please no one accuse Pinky

 (a new name, may be an important friend)

You Lilly dei! You will remain in peace. Please do not be sorry for me. Never weep in your life for me. I was your younger sister, you would forget me. I always loved my family first, next is Pinky and next to it anyone else.

 (Difficult to decipher the last phrase may be she told my family first, Pinky second and others are the last or maybe she told there is a person in her life who has not reached priority level. Here it became clear that Lilly is the eldest sister the one who is married and there is some misunderstanding in relation to this youngest sister of her. There is reason if she died it creates a special reaction in Lilly`s mind. She would be relived and she may feel very sorry as if for her only this sister committed this act. Is it that Vaina developed any extra affection to the youngest sister in law? How Pinky is involved in a very obvious intense family bond. Is it a friendship or more?)

I know I do not do any domestic work and so nobody in the family love me. Even the relations know it and they also hate me.

But yes someone loves me that I know. I also know I can never get him.

 (Here she is not intense about her love affair, may be someone has proposed her but she feels it is not feasible. Had it been the real reason she must have focused on it and should not have referred to Lilly dei)      

I beg all my family members be happy, never quarrel over any matter. You know I never tolerate any quarrel in the family. I do request you all that if I have done anything wrong then please excuse me.

If anyone asks about me just tell she eloped with someone.

(This means the girl is now away from her village and feels her death news can be hided from others. This suggests the girl is simple)

If there are any papers and any other symbols of me please destroy these because all may feel pain with my remembrance.

(How sure the girl is that her family loves her. So she feels in her presence people do not love her and on her death they would mourn forever. She is subconsciously craving for it. She loves her family intensely and feels the reciprocation is unjust. She wants to make it adequate without making her presence possible)

I can never forget a friend like Pinky.

(How can she remember a friend if she died, maybe she believes death is not the ultimate absence. She for many of the above statements it seems is not very serious about her parting away permanently)

I never fulfilled any of my goals. I do not know what more can I say. I am going……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..LOVELY

                                   I am feeling intense pain……………………..

                                   I am very happy………………………………………..

The writer in me first of all thanks the Almighty that the innocent girl Lovely is alive to fulfill her dream. The doctors have counseled the girl in the most proper way. The family is well counseled, all done by professional psychiatrist and psychologist. Our Indian family bond is revealed even in a suicide note, our problem is over dependent on love and care of other members, finding a justified valuable place in the family. That is our way of life; we are unable to change it with whatever modernization the society might have achieved.

But it is extremely painful to feel how fragile and casual is the approach of a youth towards her/his life.

As I am approaching fifty I feel I am in a position to advise the youth take time to take any decision may be on life or death or commitment or opting for a job or leaving a job. Life is not a 20/20 cricket. Life is lovely.

In my young days at Bhadrakh College, my junior roommate Birendra, a studious boy committed suicide jumping in front of a moving train. Reason was poor performance in terminal examination. He concluded before the evaluation was done by the examiner. In the very paper he scored 75% which was too high in those days. What a pathetic event for the parents.

In those days my irresponsible statement was all such people are weak and if survived should be killed as they are useless. Now I feel sorry for Birendra as I feel very happy for Lovely. We do not need any BBC documentary on the subject. Our understanding is different and very much different. Bless you all young people who feel tense in the changing gear of the society.

 Thanks to all my readers.