Get-together
The get-together was
just over. I met Subash after thirty years. Subash!
Honestly speaking, there was every chance, he
my best buddy turned my fiancée and might be much more than that. But our
friendship dominated any other relationship squeezing them to death. A
friendship between opposite sex was a taboo then. With that too it was
irresistible from both the sides We subconsciously tried to disprove others
presuming anything else. Monster friendship killed all infatuations and budding
attractions.
I am Reena.
Am I honest? Did I understand Subash completely?
Didn't I wait him to go beyond and ask or beg me my love? I am not sure. I did
not do any research about his feelings. It was none of my business as a little
woman to initiate from my side. I needed his help all through my career from
school to my post graduation. Finally when I wanted joining a serious IAS
coaching class at Delhi, my parents didn't allow a place that far but agreed
only because he too joined.
I was as serious in my
study as he was giving me all assistance. He actually had no interest, always
spent time in the literary corner of a big public library.
I couldn't motivate him.
Earlier in our intermediate classes he actually
went to a depression, when he failed to get a first division only by six marks.
He paid the price of not paying thirty rupees to the Chemistry laboratory
attendant Ratan, which was the norm; the price to know the salt for analysis. Ratan
gave a feast to the department every year.
I got the tips without paying. Honestly the
lecturer asked him to help me. He reluctantly did so urging me his fee. Earlier
the same lecturer asked me questions in the class, affectionately taking my
name. He didn't mind, I got embarrassing comments from male students for his
silly behaviour. His piercing eyes looked like demons to me. He on occasions
wanted me to meet after class at some pretext or the other. I was old enough to
hate his activities.
But at last I got the salt tips without
paying, might not be a fault of mine. But Subash! He paid the price of honesty
by securing a marginal pass mark in practical. For reasons unknown in all
practical examinations he got poor marks, even if his theory marks were quiet
good. Was it because we did roam together in the campus yielding a bad
impressions? Why he alone why not me!
Nothing could break our
friendship.
He went to depression. I tried to bring him out
of it and of course succeeded but it was too late. I changed to arts subject
considered more helpful for getting into administrative services. He also
joined arts subjects because he did not get an honours seat in science in the
premier college of the state. His compulsion and my passion brought us together
again. Luckily he got out of depression although at sometimes I observed his
unhappiness. I developed weakness towards him not good enough to overpower my
feminine ego to reveal it. He never asked. He wrote poems after poems, very
romantic but sad, which I hardly deciphered then.
Once again I can say, our friendship was a
monster under which our cravings got suppressed.
I returned from Delhi as an IAS and he returned
with his book published in National Book Trust. He became as popular as I
became powerful. But we parted. I worked in Rajasthan cadre. He came back to
our native place to work as a lecturer in English, in a new junior college which
paid a meager salary once in every six months.
Rajasthan was my second
choice after my home state. There was a reason.
Subash, I heard him speaking at times to stay in
Mount Abu in future, that might be a good tryst.
Rajyoga brought him out of depression at earlier
date. I chided the Brahmakumar, "Fool, be a Raniyogi instead". Idiot
didn't get a clue.
I gained good learning from this shadow journey
in his spiritual persuit.
Mount Abu remained within my service area
jurisdiction in larger period by chance not by choice.
He never visited.
Whenever I wrote a letter threatening to break
up, he honestly cited his financial difficulties. I responded sending money; he
had not the guts to reject. But the cruel man spent it for charity. Told me,
how desperate the situation was.
"Can we ever solve all desperations?"
He answered. "Can we ever see desperation
of monetary in nature, holding funds in pocket?"
I stopped a week or two but not beyond, I
couldn't.
Writing to each other, was a weekly affair. Most
of his conversation remained confined to my personal comfort and about Mount
Abu Ashram.
This continued until I sent him a mobile phone.
Idiot could not throw it in charity; hope used it for helping others in
emergency. This modern geometry box killed our letter writing and later
conversation too. He never called me, hoping I was busy but after period I
stopped conversation. I was no more thrilled to talk to the man. Age changed.
Age really changed. Work load increased. I became fully involved in Ashram
activities as well.
Later, with advent of social media, old friends
connected. They too arranged a meet.
Subash! I craved to meet him, like a teenager,
yeah true I wanted to twist his ear and pull his hair.
My friends became very happy to get me in their
company and vice versa. I didn't imagine, me within the slave of an officer and
the devotion of a Brahmakumari is so wonderful a child that played like a
piano, seeing the children in my friends and their children with them. A
thousand splendid rainbows I found in the horizons. I got lost there. And the
girl asked a kid Subash, "How do you feel darling?".
"Oye, where are you princess", came
the response with a smile.
Friends amused, burst into laughter.
I didn't.
I saw all rainbows dissolved within the mask of
smile, through which I saw my dear Subu is sobbing, a poet, hot and humid in
the grinding of the time in last three decades.
I became calm and composed and consciously asked
again, "How do you feel darling?" with a pinch on his shaved cheek
that has become a hollow in contrast to his age.
This time he raised a slap but refrained,-usual
to his habit for years.
Mina, Moti, Pinku, Anil, Amar, Bipul burst into
laughter again.
Subash was about answering my question when the
anchors Chinky and Pritam announced on pendal.
Let us listen to the award winning poet Subash,
the pride of the batch. Subash, Subash! Come to the stage please.
Subash went to the stage without answering
me...........
Subash recited.
Look back
Look back,
Might be,
The breeze adding essence,
Ulcers on walls and boundary healing,
Putting on pink suits of velvet.
Pig’s back roads,
Taking polish to sparkle,
Bluffing the young girl’s eyeliners,
The dry and dirty roadsides,
Converting to tender carpet lawns.
Look at the presiding hostels,
Doors and window panels,
Swinging in merry,
To the tunes of silence, they dance,
The grand old trees, Baulas, and mangoes,
Refilling Royal hues, to regain youth.
Sun over the playgrounds, willing not to set,
Golden deer playing beneath,
Lonely River, beauty nearby,
Picking up party wears of blue,
Glowing Chariot lands on the surface,
Sucking its due.
Once again, and again,
Hibernating words of innocence,
Coming back as floral bouquets,
Look back.......
Novelty so magnificent,
Only because you come,
The campus is converting,
The same Pilgrimage of youth,
And once again...
Look back.
He returned, with all friends' claps and
appreciations. He looked calm. He looked content. He looked searching Rina. He
avoided many vacant chairs. He smiled at anyone calling him to sit near. He
came to the seat he left. He dared not looking at Rina. His mask vanished, his
eyes got moist. None around looked at him now. All left him alone in the
bracing length of Rina. It was she to handle.
Rina read the poet,
others read his poetry.
He felt guilty. He got a massive jolt inside.
None around could guess what happened to a poet who just before delighted the
gathering with words of vibrancy.
He now told 'sorry' to Rina as the later wiped
out his cheeks with the white hem of the Brahmakumari's Dupata. Time paused
there, mother landed to the baby's rescue. He now smiled and begged sorry
again.
"Come on Subu, what is there to feel sorry.
So what if your poem contrasted your inside. Don't you believe I read them with
all punctuations, in front of you and at thousand miles away too? Ok let's
enjoy now and will discuss later.
Subash and Rina paid attention to Pinky and
Pritam on the stage.
Arjun's daughter, Alka
tried a devotional dance on Lord Shiva; the music paused often. After a few
steps the girl had to stop and start again. The technical slag didn't deter her
enthusiasm and finally she danced to the Dance Lord Shiva with
excellence.
"Did you learn anything Rina? Subash Asked.
"I meant from the kid?"
A seasoned
man sobbing just before was seen asking a senior administrator.
"Yeah, we must not give up.
Right?"
Many more happenings of
the day came to an end after six hours of life journeys of friends, one after
another. They couldn't stop time, they couldn't keep dancing, they couldn't
keep playing the music chair of memoirs and all came to an end as everyone
repacked. The cars started moving, the wheels moved forward.
Rina came with his father's car self driven from
Bhubaneswr. Her next destination was Sajanagarh her native village and not too
far was the native village of Subash, Ayodha. They planned earlier to move
together. Rina's parents were not worried. They knew the capability of their
daughter to drive that far and they were pretty sure, Subash would be taking
care.
Rina's mother had urged Subash to come by bus or
train and give company to Rina in the return journey. She rather in private
wanted his company to Rina for ever.
They got into the car. Rina drove all the crisscross
roads of the college as if to show her chauffeur's skill.
"Oey oye, Subu, you see, the roads are
same, the buildings too, the trees stand witness to a countless kisses, lovers
exchanged, the lecturer theatres must have remained so and so are the practical
halls, how nostalgic a feeling comes. How do you feel Subu? Didn't you remember
the adolescent encounters of peeping looks? How do you feel?"
She was not sure what she was asking?
Subu laughed aloud as they moved out of the
campus with seemingly happier friends bidding fare well to the Brahmakumari and
Brahmakumar with a pinch of prayer for them. The heaven wouldn't be falling if
the two progressed souls lead a permanent sojourn together in the rest of the
life. This is nothing new. They wished it since their college days. But it
never happened, the demon friendship killed any such buds sprouting.
And now the feelings of Rina's mother and
those of these naughty friends are nothing but jokes. Jokes even, pleased the
two friends.
They now stopped waving friends and raised the
glasses.
As they came out of the township, the highway
invited darkness, pierced by the head lights. Rina concentrated on driving and
once again asked Subu, “How do you feel darling?"
Subu cleared his throat, embarked his emotions
and smiled again. The darkness swallowed his smile. The darkness magnified the
glow of the white Rajasthani attire of Brahmakumari Rina with whatever and
whenever any light tried inside the dark cabin of her father's Small car.
Subash smiled again that once again dissolved in
darkness. As if, a smell of smile thrilled Rina.
"What makes you laugh like a
monkey?"
"Nothing. When did I?"
"Oh". She remained silent.
This "Oh" remained an old blackmail to
Subash. He guessed the anguish of this expression, same as it was ever.
"No no, I should say, what is there to hide
anything from you Rina. You know, I just couldn't think a day came when you
became a Brahmakumari and I lost that track. You really are looking gracious
with white. You know a widow wears white and a Brahmakumari too, both look
pious but both look different. This thought came to my mind and I smiled. You
remember how you were against my wearing white clothes, and chided my look as
effeminate. What an irony! This made me smile.
But when I entered the car I felt so thrilled to
get such a highly dignified driver. I would have loved to drive this long way.
But how? I never held the steering wheel.
I never initiated, I
never ....
You say, how I did feel in the same old campus.
Of course I was happy to see friends and specially you. That's all. Campus
gives a nauseating sense if I say honestly. How can I feel good in the
institution that cheated me? The cheaters went through
The system screwed
me.
They screwed me in all
practical examinations. Mind it dear, the practical examinations essentially
were boosters to someone's marginal shortfall. I don't say practical should
turn farce. But did not they? The campus brings back those memories. You
enjoyed, many people did it but I didn't. This is not the only reason.
Did not a teacher use
fowl languages to a girl student who looked outside in the class? The
personality of the gentleman made the abuse magnified, but is it not true that
personality was nothing but a stack pile of this type of student fixing
events.
You haven't the liberty to speak against
teachers, I do have. I am a teacher. Didn't a teacher targeted a girl student
taking her name time and again asking questions, as if his sole aim to be a
teacher was to help only one little woman. Didn't he call her to meet him after
class, in some genuine looking pretext?
My feelings are the continuation of many abnormal happenings witnessed as a
student. The education system that made us capable, we should be thankful
about, we should ignore the odds. Having said that, in the same breath being a
teacher, I must say, all these negatives are learning experiences and should be
discussed and remembered.
My ideal high school, could not know, I had not
a single copy in any subject. I managed with a rough copy. Away from parents in
a hostel, none cared to find out. Behind the curtain of many activities and
reasonable good result I could mask my deficiency. Ha ha, I got selected
to get the "All-rounder" trophy but was kicked away for a teacher's
son, two batches junior.
He was my partner in
inter school debate competitions. Always the teacher decided whether I should
say for or against in the debate, mostly against my wish. His son told the
easier side and the opposite I did.
Should it not come to my mind when I enter the
campus now? I don't complain from my point of view. As such his attitude helped
me. It helped me to find logic contrary to my point of view, an attitude of
self criticism.
Let me say you the importance of opposite views
quoting an example.
My teacher in primary school was a terror, as
fearsome as a tiger. I took pride to be his student. He made me strong; he
built an idol from mud.
I once expressed this to a senior student,
Purnavai.
His answer was a mindblowing lession to
remember. He told that, might be, a few are successful but many students
suffered from school fovea and permanently lost their career.
Whenever I saw on school wall, 'a punishment
free area', I remembered Purnavai."
Subash took a pause, might be he was straining
Rina's attention span. He needed silence; he lacked more words, although there was
no dearth of ideas and experiences.
Silence prevailed for a longer period. Rina
became sure, nothing more he wished to say. Silence became chaotic numbness,
Rina looked towards the sky. With brightness near, far away sky looked dark.
She puzzled, how it was possible, the sky is so dark, shine of stars anywhere.
Clouds! Soon lightening answered her, followed by a thunderclap. And drops
settled on the front glass. The sound of rain on top and around the moving
chocolate turned stupendous. Subash remembered Rina's fear for lightings. But
suddenly he got a wet kiss of cold wind from outside, on his left side cheek.
Rina the naughty has brought his side glass down.
"Up up, mischievous girl, I might catch
cold, without waiting he tried his fingers on the switch panel at the same time
Rina tried it too. With the war between their fingers the other side door
opened which was windier to splash Rina's right side. Her dupata swam towards Subu. Subu feared for catching cold. Strange
girl didn't care the lightening anymore.
"Oh, the officer has no fear."
"No not at all Subu, chicken heartedness
bids good bye when you are with me."
Subu raised the glasses, Rina made them down. In
the war between fingers Rina gave up but not without pinching a few nail
marks.
After playing its part
the clouds cleared. The car now moved to the direction of the pole star, their
mind cleared too.
Rina started again.
"Come on Subu, there is no point to
remember the negatives; we have moved on too far in our journey of life, need not
keep stirring the filthy. Time too has changed, opportunities have increased, and
anyone is entitled to build a career. And you as a teacher have the
greatest responsibility to steer the society forward. I am very optimistic for
the future, are you not?"
Rina demanded an answer.
Subash this time laughed aloud and started.
" Madam it seems you are invited to
educational institutions to deliver inspiring speeches to students and
teachers. What you say is not incorrect but as you know describing the
positives and motivating should be a celebration and passion. But the downfall
of the society too needs to be addressed, that is a duty. That might be a
thankless duty a handful of teachers are doing now. The gloom is not over.
I didn't care to build up a career, to keep
doing secret notes, to do boring job of gathering facts which are thrown later
in the drain of forgetfulness. My inner sense was searching something else, a
greater truth. In the process I got neither.
In the valley of no options I found a plus two
college to get the shelter, that you tell teaching. Ok, fine I too started
identifying a teacher in me, tried to find students and disciples, got some of
them and I got satisfaction. But you know, I needed money at that time. The
management had no money, only a little amount I received once in a blue moon. Suddenly
there appeared several abnormal requirements. Papa sold some properties.
Whose property? His or mine!
Educated poet, the only son and doing
lectureship could not do anything. My spiritual gain I mortgaged in Utkal
Varati Residential College, I worked there part time. They gave money, they
wanted results. The students paid them too much, they needed value for money.
What value?
Value was never discussed, value needed to be
converted to marks, divisions and grades. That too I tried. Science students
lacked interest in language subjects. How much mark a language subject can
fetch? I didn't care, I tried to do my duty, and I got some money. I did not
resign from my parent college that did not matter, as they paid no
salary.
From the students point of view, let me throw
some light to your enlightened faith on the present opportunities.
A boy paid full dues of first year to enter
second year in 2007. His father lost his job in the corporate recession. He
anyhow financed the next six months. All delays resulted direct humiliation inside
class. I saw the student did not come in the concluding six months of intense
studies. He was bright. He left college. None bothered. I once found him and
asked for his problem. He tried to conceal facts but couldn't. I approached the
management as a guarantor, they became red eyed. A part time teacher's audacity
to guarantee a student was nothing but a big zero for the seasoned merchants of
education.
Luckily a respected gentleman intervened. He was
allowed to sit in the examination.
Several undertaking was taken from him and his
father on bond papers.
The practical exams now days happened early. A
bribe fee for externals was collected as a norm. The student in question could
not pay. That was not a small amount of thirty rupees unlike it happened in our
time. He desperately arranged a part and the same gentleman of repute came
again. By that time practical exam was over. He only copied down another good
student’s practical answer sheets in different subjects which got a back door
entry.
The theory examination started with language
subjects first.
I was summoned by the director, for one to one
modus operandi. The students gathered in a particular hall an hour before
examination. A question paper used to be discussed by a teacher to the students
for half an hour or more and you know, this was the secret of their success,
year after year.
So, I had to do the job
for my subject.
I got pain, never experienced before, I was
sweating, and I thought to get a heart attack. I just drank the glass of water
kept for the director, begged excuse for that, thanked him saying OK sir.
It was one hour to exam. Students already had
gathered in the tryst for modern examination. I could not gather the courage.
I ran down the steps. I knew my two months’
salary was to be received on the same day. That tried to pull me back in vain.
I reached my waiting bike. I did not look back. I did not went back to collect
my forgotten helmet. I felt the same feeling I got entering the female side
bath space at the natural hot stream of Badrinath in 1983 June. I felt I got
out of the trap of a Satan. The bike was ready to carry me to the next step of
progress.
A Brahmakumar in me suddenly woke up and saved.
I came back to my non paying job.
You say the opportunities became plenty.
But to whom these new opportunities help?
Meritorious students suffered for their inflated
marks?
I can rather say it to be opportunistic arrangements
between greedy business men and paying customers.
That boy could not pay in full. They kept his
certificates captive not for months but for years.
The boy could not take legal help, his father
did not want, neither they were in a position.
For two long years the father son duo worked
hard in a new business. He could clear up the dues in full and got his
certificate to join graduation courses.
You have seen students commit suicide for a few
marks or for a small frustration. This boy could manage only because his father
had some unseen, untouchable, untapped property at a plane higher than what we
call grades, divisions and career.
All is not well Rina madam, as we pretend as we
try not stirring the filthy.
All these seemingly progress, technologies,
developments are nothing but arrangements to keep us away from the truth, from
the destiny we deserve in the divine faculty within us that otherwise remained
in slumber. We need to build it. We need to save our children from frustrations
that is bound to happen within that arrangements of presumed progress.
I have no burdens now after the death of my
parents.
I am serious seeker now."
Subash stopped there. And this time reflected a
smile that came from calm, non warring content deeply felt inside.
Rina too was happy with a blissful inner
calmness.
Patted his left cheek and asked.
"Why don’t you come to your original
destination, Mount Abu. I will wait you there as I am doing forever."
"Yes Rina, I have applied a teacher's job
there, but I don't intend to stay there forever. I am unfit for any pattern.
That is bondage. After playing my part there and gaining what I deserve I must
come back."
"Who is staying where permanently, you know
Baba's teaching to remain ready to pack anytime, from this world even."
Let us readers hope, their future remained in a
blissful togetherness as progressed Rajyogies, in their native place and they
do a lot for the society. I pray for the same. Do you?
Age is nothing but a number for getting
together of friends.
